Invitation to Lee's blog

Some months ago, my good friend Lee and I started talking about writing. Then we started actually writing and meeting together to talk about our writings (and in the fine tradition of our writing forebears, to drink.) A few short weeks into this experiment, Lee announced (again in fine writing tradition), "I started a blog!" To which I replied,"That's awesome!"

But in my heart it was a lie. I didn't think it was awesome. I thought it was hateful. Why? Because of my own jealousy, and a crippling fear of writing anything that would be actually read by the masses (and by "masses", I mean anyone who does not share my last name). But, I am a good friend, or at least I can fake being a good friend. So I asked him what it was about and he told me "it's about grammar!" Which I thought was really smart and creative.

It burned at me like acid. 

So I did what any writer would do. I drank. And then I started my own blog. It was a tour de force. It was the brilliant witticism and history of your humble author. It was genius and awesome and other great adjectives!

Where is the link? You ask, all aflutter. Where can you find this pearl behind price?

You can't. 

You can't because while I wrote a dozen posts, I never published them. I will likely never publish them. All for the same reason as above; the crippling fear that what I put out to the world will be crap.

As some very few of you know, I published a book last year (shameless plug). It was self published; partially because I did not really know how to get it published through traditional channels, but mostly because I did not want to go through the rejection that is inherent in the publishing process. After it was written, edited, reviewed, and ready to go, it took me months to work up the courage to put it out there. A shot or three of Jameson was subsequently needed to actually "Like" the book and its associated iPhone app on Facebook. (The app was made for me by the talented and indefatigable Nick Schneble.)

So this long rambling diatribe leads me back to a few weeks ago. I had been pressuring Lee to coauthor something with me. A screenplay, a novel, a recipe, anything! And finally he succumbed and agreed to write a short story. "No more than 20,000 words, Ben!" he said to me. I hastily agreed and immediately began coming up with ideas... Ideas for epic novels that spanned a series of books and movies. After picking a much simpler concept; we separated with the idea of writing it a chapter at a time back and forth. 

Then, I had a brilliant idea. Post it in real time on his blog! What he thought was me trying to help him get some posts going and make time for his writing was really much more diabolical.

Let me let you in on my secret agenda, dear reader: it is to use Lee's blog to write a blog, without the pressure of writing a blog! MWA HAHA! 

And now you see. All my plans have come to fruition. Lee himself invited me to write a post and gave me a prompt! "Write about gardening,” he said. If only he knew that this innocuous sentence would be his downfall, surely he would retract it. Or at least remove my privileges as a publisher to the site. Instead he sits at home, unaware of the dire fate that has already befallen his beloved "Bitter Grammar". Sipping his mimosa and nibbling his foie gras (full disclosure: I really have no idea what the man eats for breakfast).

Wait, no! YOU GOT ME MONOLOGUING!

Now he knows my evil plans! Dear reader, you must keep my secret. For, were he to find out, everything would be undone. All would be lost. In exchange for your silence, I promise to explain the mystical art of "Gardening".

Yet, I hesitate to go into it. Mainly because the subject is something that I find pedantic. While I understand the concepts involved, writing the specifics are outside of my wheelhouse (at least currently). Let's face it, I'm a newb, an amateur at best. My real skill set lies primarily in Xbox, whiskey and security consulting. Sure, I could write a nice post with several citations on the connotation of the terms "Gardening" and "Architecture" as they pertain to writing, just like I was trained to do in grad school. 

Or I could write about how I write. 

I think I will choose the latter. (As an aside, am I the only person who has to constantly think when someone uses "latter" and "former"? I know it is a relatively simple skill, but for some reason I find myself guessing about half the time on it.) 

So how do I write? The short answer is "poorly". 

The slightly longer answer is "better than I used to, but not as good as I would like".

Writing is a weird thing. The act of creating from nothing is bloody exhausting. But, just like being a parent, there are a million minor skills that come into play when you are a "writer". My daughter is 3 weeks and 2 days old. I have had to learn how to change a diaper, burp her, handle her crying, bounce her in my arms, install a car seat, set up a Pack 'N Play, mix a bottle, and about a million other minor things. All of these combine to form the skill of being a Dad.

Writing is similar. You have to know how to set up a plot, location, characters, motivations, interactions, build tension, conduct conversations that don't sound stilted and ridiculous, build back stories, vary your sentence structure, give the reader the tropes they expect while also not making your work too derivative, and so on. 

All of these things and others mix together in a strange alchemical brew to make “Good Writing.” What I have learned is, much like with my daughter, I am good at somethings, and awful at others. So the trick becomes identifying the weaknesses and working on them. Which sucks. Because, while I enjoy writing, I do not enjoy negative feedback, and I really only like writing the “fun parts." I don't want to work on explaining the surroundings so that the reader does not feel lost. I know where the hell the characters are! You should keep up!

But I have also learned that one of the most valuable thing you can have as a writing, besides alcohol and a very patient spouse, is a trusted adviser who understands writing enough to help you find your strengths and weaknesses, and work to even out your craft. Not to mention, doing all that without crushing your delicate artist soul. Because  the one thing I've learned about audiences is this: everyone's a critic.

So what is a young and terrified writer to do? The answer is simple: just write. Preferably on someone else's blog!

Oh, and just to tidy up the loose ends, "Architects" are writers who outline their stories before writing their rough drafts, and "Gardeners" are writers who write their rough drafts without planning or outlining them out. If you are really interested, let me know in the comments below and I will write up a real post explaining them.

Until then, have a happy and safe 4th of July!

- Ben