Last week, I posted about people who spell words the way they sound. But as I battled my heartburn this weekend, I thought about another type of grammatical misfit: people who interpret words spacially. I realize that's a bit of a stretch, but stick with me; this will hopefully make sense in a minute.
For the last fifteen years, I have been dealing with a dairy allergy. More specifically, an allergy to cow's milk. I can already guess what you are thinking, and the answer is: no, I cannot take pills for it. The pills you are thinking of are for people who are lactose intolerant! I am not lactose intolerant, I am simply allergic to milk products.
Luckily for me, my allergy is of the mild variety, and I do not have to carry an epi-pen with me. If I eat dairy, it just gives me migraines and (you guessed it) heartburn. It is probably a good thing I don't carry an epi-pen, because if I did, I'm pretty sure I would spend a lot of time reenacting the sarin gas scene from the movie The Rock. I can already see myself walking down a busy street, then running up to a large picture window of a fancy restaurant, pulling out the epi-pen, waving it at the startled diners inside, and shouting, "Look how big this is. You want me to stick this in my heart? Are you fucking nuts?!"
It's a good thing I don't carry epi-pens around with me.
Nonetheless, imagining such a prank does give me some satisfaction, since some of my most frustrating miscommunications happen in restaurants. For those of you that have ever eaten with me at a restaurant, you'll recognize that I'm talking about "the speech."
"The speech" is my name for the awkward exchange that I always seem to have to engage in with a server, when ordering food in a restaurant. It is also the reason why I usually try to be last person in the group to order. It usually goes something like this:
Lee (to server): Can you please let the chef know that I have a dairy allergy, and ask him if he can prepare my food without any milk products?
Server: Sure, I'll be happy to check.
Lee: Thank you.
Server: Just to be clear, you said it is a dairy allergy?
Lee: Yes. I'm allergic to anything with milk products; butter, cheese, cream, that sort of thing.
Server: What about eggs?
Lee: Eggs are fine.
Server: I thought you said you have a dairy allergy?
Lee: Yes, but I'm allergic to cow's milk. Do you have any cow's eggs on the menu?
Server: Of course not! Cow's don't lay eggs, chickens do!
Lee: Then why are you asking me if I'm allergic to them?
Server: Oh.
Lee: Didn't I meet you at Starbucks once? ...Never mind.
I've gotten used to giving the speech, and have even learned to give it in four languages! Still, I always get that same stupid question about the damned eggs!
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| No Eggs Here! |
Do you know why servers always ask me if I'm allergic to eggs? I think I have it figured out. It is because the servers are not thinking logically, they are thinking spacially!
If I say the word "dairy," the odds are pretty good that you'll conjure up a mental image of the dairy section of your local supermarket. You may imagine refrigerator cases filled with milk and shelves full of cheese, and you'll probably imagine lots of boxes of eggs, too! It makes sense, since these products all need to be kept cold. To most people, the word dairy connotes this space, and as a result, they tend to interpret the word spacially.
Unfortunately, if you were to look up the definition of the word, you would find that this interpretation is not wholly accurate. As an example, here is the definition of the word "dairy" from Merriam-Webster:
Dairy (noun)
1 : a room, building, or establishment where milk is kept and butter or cheese is made
2 a : the department of farming or of a farm that is concerned with the production of milk, butter, and cheese b : a farm devoted to such production
3 : an establishment for the sale or distribution chiefly of milk and milk products
Did you see any mention of eggs? I sure didn't! Yet, this unfortunate misinterpretation of this word hounds me almost everytime I eat at a restaurant. (you could even say that it gives me "heartburn," metaphorically speaking). I've tried saying "milk products" instead of "dairy" but it did not help the situation. I seemed to be doomed to a life of epicurian miscommunication!
Given my state of desperation, I've decided that my only recourse is to use this situation for my own amusement (and yours too, since you are reading this blog). I'm going to start telling the waitstaff that I'm allergic to cow's eggs, and ask them to please ask the chef if they cook with any. I invite tou to do the same. Maybe we can all record viral videos of it and post them to YouTube (and by "we all" I mean all of you, since I'm too lazy for the whole YouTube thing)!
My hope is that if enough chefs inform their servers that cows don't lay eggs, maybe they'll stop thinking in a supermarket frame of mind when I ask them for help with my allergy! I know it isn't likely to help the situation, but I can always dream, can't I?
On a different note, I'm sorry for the long delay in posting this entry. I was on vacation last week, and thought that announcing on the Internet that my house would be empty might damage my InfoSec street cred! The good news is that I'll have an International edition of BG up soon, so you can read about what I saw in the Bahamas last week!
Have a good week, and be sure to eat some cow's eggs; they are a good source of protein!
-Lee
You should get yourself some cards. Something along the lines of "Hi, I'm Lee and I'm allergic to dairy. This includes: Milk, Butter, Whey, and Cheese. This does NOT include eggs. Eggs are fine, and delicious."
ReplyDeleteYou could then just pass them out.