I love drinking coffee, I just hate ordering it!

If you have talked to me since the holidays, you probably know that I gave up coffee three weeks ago. This was not a New Year's Resolution, but rather part of a new diet that my doctor suggested. I actually had to give up a lot of foods right around Christmas, including most grains, but the coffee was especially hard. To be more specific, it was giving up the caffeine that was difficult, and for the first several days I experienced some withdrawal symptoms. And by symptoms, I mean skull-splitting headaches that make you want to claw your eyeballs out of your head!

The funny part is that I later realized that these symptoms might not have been just because of the caffeine. As mentioned in my post last week, I gave up my beloved java during the same week as Washington D.C. experienced an odd heat wave. I am pretty sure that the change in pressure was responsible for much of my ailments, because once I got home and took some Sudafed, most of my symptoms went away. At least I was able to milk the headaches for sympathy in my office!

Since I've given up coffee, I've switched to drinking hot herbal tea in the morning. I tend to stick with the spicy varieties, and I've accumulated a pretty good stash of Celestial Seasonings varieties in my pantry. I've slowly gotten used to this new routine, and to be honest, I don't really miss the caffeine. Nonetheless, I did enjoy my coffee when I was still drinking it regularly. The one thing I didn't enjoy was ordering it. Specifically, I hated ordering coffee from Starbucks. In fact, even without my new caffeine-free diet, I would still rather strip naked in the middle of Farragut Square in the middle of winter, and have a dog fart in my face, than order coffee from Starbucks.

Of course, there is a reason for my disdain of this ubiquitous brand...

I have always found ordering from Starbucks to be excruciatingly painful for two reasons. The first reason is that I am allergic to cow's milk. The second reason is that I am a relatively smart person. When combined, these two unfortunate factors made purchasing coffee from Starbucks unbearable.

 

...tastes like burning!

 I have spent a pretty good amount of time learning about mostly-useful things. I like to travel and read. I graduated from high school. I even managed to hold down a full-time job while cramming a four year college degree into seven years. Yet, when I walk into a Starbucks, all of this intelligence and intellect must drain out of my brain and settle listlessly in my toes, because every person that works at Starbucks feels obligated to inform me that I don't have a gosh-darned clue about how to order a stinking cup of overpriced, over-roasted, over-marketed Starbucks coffee.

This seems counterintuitive, because I can walk into any Denny's, grab a menu, stare blankly at my server and point to the lovely illustration of a cup of coffee, and be rewarded for my rudeness with a hot cup of bland Joe for a buck and change. You would think that paying for a premium product would involve receiving premium service, but apparently that sort of logic doesn't apply to baristas. Instead, I'm treated to a lecture that is chock full of the signature brand of Starbucks passive-aggressiveness every time I order. That being said, I don't order from Starbucks very often at all. I prefer a coffee with a light city roast, and I usually drink Dunkin' Donuts coffee (brewed at home). The reason why I have sworn off of Starbucks can be summed up in one word: miscommunication.

I have had a dairy allergy for the last fourteen years. Not being able to drink cow's milk can make purchasing coffee from a place like Starbucks quite challenging. Starbucks does offer soymilk as an add-on, and for many years, I was content to order coffee drinks made with the vanilla flavored Silk soymilk that they used to use. However, at some point, Starbucks decided to switch to a different soymilk brand that literally tastes like pencil shavings. Since the "new" soymilk makes the coffee drinks taste like feet, I decided that paying five dollars for an espresso drink with this nasty milk substitute was a waste of my money. I decided to switch to regular coffee, and that's where my problems began.
 

You would think that ordering a cup of coffee with a splash or two of soymilk would be fairly straight forward, but not at Starbucks, where a cup of coffee has to be a damned experience. It's bad enough that they use Italian words for everything, but the way they repeat everything back to you the way they want it said is just infruriating! I one actually saw an official pamphlet on "how to order from Starbucks." I'll be honest; this pissed me off! The "how to order" booklet pushed my buttons almost as badly as Quentin Tarantino going on late night television to explain the symbolism in Pulp Fiction. If your ideas are so deep or complex that you have to print a pamphlet to explain them, you're probably overthinking something!

 

 

As an example, here's an excerpt of my typical ordering experience at Starbucks:

Cashier: Good morning! Can I take your order?
 
Lee: I'd like a medium coffee, please.
 
Cashier: One Grande Drip Coffee?
 
Lee: Yes, with soymilk please.
 
Cashier: Would you like that with steamed soymilk? We call it a Cafe Misto.
 
Lee: No, I just want some soymilk in my coffee. I'm allergic to milk, and you don't put soymilk out on the counter with the other milks.
 
Cashier: Ok, one Grande Drip Coffee with soy. (to the barista) Can I call?
 
Barista 1: Call!
 
Cashier: One Grande Drip with soy!


Barista 1: Do you mean one Grande Cafe Misto?
 
Cashier: No, I mean one Grande Drip with cold soymilk.
 
Barista 1: Cold soymilk? He doesn't want it steamed?
 
Cashier: No. he just wants a cup of coffee with cold soy.

The barista pours coffee into a cup and sets it next to the third barista who is standing next to the frothing wand.

Barista 1 (to Barista 2) I need soy for this grande drip.

Barista 2: Steamed soy?

Barista 1: No, just cold soy.

Barista 2: We can steam the soy.

Barista 1: He doesn't want it steamed.

Barista 2: Did you ask him?

Barista 1: No, they called cold soy.

Barista 2: (to me) Sir, do you want steamed soymilk in your coffee? We call it a misto.

Lee: I know what it's called. I just want some soymilk in my coffee. I have a milk allergy and can't use the milk that you guys set out on the counter.

Barista 2: Oh! (the barista sets the carton of nasty soymilk on the counter) Help yourself!

Lee: Why don't you guys just put soymilk out on the counter with the milk and cream?

Barista 2: It's an add-on. We charge extra for it.

Lee: Then why do I have to pour it myself. If I'm paying extra, shouldn't you put it in the cup for me?

Barista 2: I can if you like. Would you like it steamed?

Lee: Never mind (walks away)

I may have embellished this process a little for drama's sake, but the truth is that I have to go through at least one of these silly exchanges every single time I try to order a stinking cup of coffee at Starbucks. For a little while, I gave up and just ordered a Cafe Misto, but I got frustrated waiting the ten minutes it took for it to cool down to enough to drink. Eventually, I just stopped ordering the soymilk altogether, but then I realized that without the foul-tasting soymilk, there's nothing to cover up the burned flavor of the coffee!

While these experiences have been frustrating for me, it highlighted how much people rely on their perspectives when they receive a message. Whether it's the Starbucks barista who thinks that everything is better when it has been steamed and frothed, or the child who asks "why?" at every instruction, or the colleague who thinks that every question is a challenge to his authority, our perspectives color how we interpret the messages that we receive.

If the perspectives of the message sender and the message recipient align, we often describe these exchanges as "clear," or "effective." This alignment of perspective can sometimes allow the recipient to anticipate the message, which we describe as being "in sync," "proactive," or even "service oriented," depending on the setting. However, when the perspectives don't align, the result can be wasted time, wasted energy, or wasted relationships.

Changing perspectives, shifting paradigms, erasing sterotypes, or whatever you want to call it can be difficult. Sometimes, the fight is worth it, and sometimes, it just eats away at your soul. In this case, I didn't really expect Starbucks to change their perspective, so I changed mine. For a while, I brewed my Dunkin Donuts coffee at home, and I replaced the soymilk with almond milk, which doesn't taste at all like feet. I thought I had come out on top, and I was happy to enjoy my tasty, affordable coffee for a long time. ...until my doctor decided to change her perspective on my caffeine consumption.

Win some, lose some.

I hope YOUR week is starting out with a good perspective!
-Lee